lovebug

Your hands shake. Your palms sweat. Your heart swells so huge it’s suffocating, pressing awkwardly against your lungs. You’re nervous for no reason. You can’t think properly. Whenever you see them in a crowded place, you stop what you’re doing and just stare, unable to concentrate, and it takes a huge effort to pull yourself back into the present and not get lost in the simple way they make you lose track of everything, all the hurt, all the pain, all the destruction going on around you with just one simple glance in your direction. After the tiniest conversation with them, you’re happy all day. You go to their facebook, or myspace, and stare at their page for hours. You flit through pictures just to see them one more time. You stare at their phone number, wondering what they would think if you texted them right now. Sometimes you sob uncontrollably because of everything you’ll never be, and sometimes you laugh so hard your lungs hurt because of one tiny joke they made. A mixture of envy and deep sadness crawls through you vivaciously whenever you see them conversing happily with someone else. When they talk to you, you smile hugely, even if it’s just a small “What’s up?” You make sure everything is perfect when you know you are going to see them: Your hair, your clothes, your teeth, your smile, your smell, your voice. You plan out what you are going to say, let your mind run through thousands of different ways to confess, but you never speak a word. They are everywhere and nowhere at the same time; you see their shining face in the crowd even when they’re not there, and whenever you make one of those misconceptions your heart rate speeds up uncontrollably until you realize that it’s just the face of an innocent stranger, and you calm down until the next time. You wish you could run into them at the mall, but at the same time you don’t know what you would do if you did. They are intangible, untouchable, a distant hope and dream, too far away to grasp, but one that you want with every fiber in your body. You want to see them and to touch them and to laugh with them like they were your best friend. You want to hold them and be held by them. You want to feel a connection, a spark, anything between you both. You want it so bad it physically hurts.

And each moment you are privileged enough to spend with them is incredible. It’s beautiful and wonderful and everything is right with the world when you are with them, just standing there, simply existing and talking together. Together. Two hearts. Two souls. Two bodies. One moment when the two halves collide in brilliant unity. One moment when everything is perfect.